Community in Balance

I’m lonely. There are no if’s, and’s or but’s about it. I need a good night out, drinking Talisker or Warbird Shanty. I need a good cigarette.

And yet I do well alone. I require many quiet evenings at home.

What I need is balance. Ah, there’s the word. Balance. And who doesn’t need balance? Surely I am not the sole citizen of this earth crying out for equilibrium between the this’s and that’s of my life.

Some days I think I am more myself than ever I have been. Other days, I think I had a better grasp of self when I was six.

I’ve sat here for the last hour trying to write what should be a simple response to this week’s reading. It is not coming together so well. Third place communities are something I have had and have lost. People leave this city, and in consequence they leave me. They marry, they take a job, they move far, far away. Blah. Blah. Blah. In the meantime I stay behind, writing.

This may sound mean and jaded, but I am sick and tired of going-away parties, and of weddings, and of and baby showers, and of house-warming parties. I buy gifts for people who are special because of the special things they do with their lives.

Well, I want a party. I want a party because I am an English major, dash-it-all.

This sounds like a pity-party, but I do not pity myself (ok, I do not pity myself all the time). I have, on the whole, a good life. But I am in an awkward position of in-between in my life and it has left me feeling rather lonely. Loneliness has the effect of making me feel less than, as if there is something not quite right about me and therefore society has secluded me.

I am single and it does contribute to my loneliness, but a person can be married and still be lonely. I do not think marriage is the solution to my problems. Nor do I think a friend or two or three is sufficient. Nor is my family. Nor will any third place community be sufficient. You see, I am greedy. I want all of the above. I want balance. And then, I want a party to celebrate it all.

Goodness, I’m sitting here laughing at myself. Reader, you must think me ridiculous….

(I really must stop cooking when I write my blogs. I’ve just boiled over the milk I was cooking for a cup of cocoa. If ever you want a treat, take a Dragoba chocolate bar – the one with chili added to the chocolate – and melt it into a cup of cocoa. I’ll try to remember to bring one of these chocolate bars to class for sampling. Hot chilis and chocolate really is a wonderful combination. Just think of a spicy bar of chocolate with a peppery glass of Chianti or peaty scotch. Mmmmmm.)

Where was I? Oh yes, third place community. There are days when I feel that my communities have failed me (or maybe I have failed my communities) because I haven’t move forward at a particular pace. Logically I know that I am an individual and that statistics and stereotypes should have no bearing over me. I know I should not let such things pressure me. And yet I feel uneasy, as if I am outside of, other than.
The fear is deep. What happens if I never marry? What happens if I’m forty (and still alone) before I finally settle into a job as a professor? Do I want to be a professor? And what if I never make it to a doctoral program? What if I don’t make it through a Master’s program? It’s happened before. I know of people who cracked under the load. What if I actually get my PhD and still end up hating my job? What happens if I never find a community that can encompass me in my individual set of circumstances? There are so many what if’s, so many uncertainties.

Loneliness feels like a warped shadow of me I will never escape.